I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
