tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
