i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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