You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
