Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
