my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
