I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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