pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
how does that bad decision feel?
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