I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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