Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I want a musical about memes.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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