Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Randomize
