i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
