I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
