You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
