I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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