I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
