the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The struggles of a small town man whore
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
