She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
