I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
