Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
