Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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