I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
