none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
