I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
