Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
