when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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