I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
