he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
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sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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