If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He had one of those small greek statue penises
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
