i don't like sucking hair
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My underwear smells like fireworks.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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