If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
