smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
