Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
