I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
