Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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