This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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