Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
