i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
