Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
