I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
