just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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