she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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