i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
