they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
