he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
