I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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