someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize