Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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