Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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