my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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