i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
