go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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