There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
