did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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