So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
