I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
