I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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