Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
